Good Reads : Eternal

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Oh Twilestia, will you ever stop being the One True Pairing? No, you never will, because I love you. Although I'm not sure if this is meant to be shipping or not. It's not marked as such on EqD, but that was probably the wisest choice ever. Shipping fics get vote bombed to hell on that site...

I've noticed a pattern with fanfiction that I want to share with myself in the future: No story ever, ever starts well. Ever. Maybe its because the author is still getting a hold of the work and gets into their groove later, or maybe everyone over thinks the beginning to the point where it becomes an overworked mess. But this story is no exception. Worse, because there's nothing obviously bad about it. Each scene in its own right could be a very powerful, effective summary of Celestia's current feelings before moving on. But that same scene is essentially repeated five or six times before moving on.

But once the story gets beyond that point, its actually a very entertaining. I got very caught up in the events, and I could easily call it a page turner. I got to the end and immediately wished there was more to read. What happens next?

But I don't know... since its so good, am I thinking too hard about how it could be better? Am I holding it to different standards because it's good enough to be considered in one of my workshops? Reading it, something felt missing. It needed some severe scene editing, a quicker pace, less repeated feelings and more exploritive description...

Plus, I cant help but compare it to Sunset Looms. He's looking at it more like Twilight's suffered and been unable to move on, but the story is so firmly rooted in Celestia's mind...

I dunno what to think about this story, but I recommend it.

Score: Five EqD stars and a bookmark



Edit:


What I would suggest (in summary)

In the introduction, I'd go from the talk with Luna, to speaking with Twilight, back to her home. I wouldnt include the first Rarity scene, or even the scene where she arrives at Twilight's home the first time, because the same feel is invoked in Sweet Apple Acres.

Secondly, scenery descriptions feel very token in several places. The description of Fluttershy's dress was wonderful, but it was difficult to picture the rest of the wedding, and the look of the fireworks. Especially when something is supposed to be amazing or dazzling, you cant just summarize it as such and be done with it. you have to try and actually dazzle with the words themselves.

Thirdly... Celestia seems to know exactly what she's feeling, and yet is unable to sort through her thoughts nor understand what's happening to others? It just felt weird in places.

To me, it feels like a solid start, a great idea, and while I enjoyed it, i'd still fill the story with red marks, if I was editing. It just needs a little more refinement